Harry Potter & the Azkaban Movie Parody
by waldorf88
Summary: A parody of the third Harry Potter movie and book, for all the disappointed fans of the third movie!
1. Harry the fugitive!

**This is a parody of the movie version of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I do not own these characters or situations, they are owned and created by J.K. Rowling. I have borrowed bits of dialogue and situations from other sources out of this website.**

An introduction...

Mysterious music plays...Harry Potter is under his bed sheet moving around...a lot.

"Lumos ianua! Lumos ianua!" Harry started screaming. "Hold on a second, I'm not supposed to do magic outside school! Oh well, I'm Harry Potter and I get away with everything!" Mysterious music continues to play!

Chapter 1

"Harry, your aunt Marge is coming over, be normal!" Uncle Vernon said.

"Sign my Hogwarts note, which allows me to wander off and be bad when I'm out of school!" Harry said annoyingly.

"Wander off...get lost...die...hmmm...only if you're good! Look its Aunt Marge!" Uncle Vernon said, helping his fat sister with her things.

Everyone sat at the table to eat, except Harry of course, who served them, like the slave he is.

"Worthless slave, your aunt and uncle are so good to you for letting you stay here with them blah blah blah blah, I'm going to insult your parents: Harry your mother is evil and so are you" Aunt Marge said, annoyingly.

"Don't you dare say that about my mother...she was...she was...well I don't really know!" Harry said angrily. Everyone laughed at Harry. "I need to create a diversion so I can sneak out of this house! I have an idea! I'll blow up Aunt Marge!" Harry whispered to himself, "Oh my God, talking to myself, I am crazy!"

Harry blew up his aunt. "Damn! I'm so scared! I might get expelled for using magic!"

Dudley looked out at his aunt flying in the air...then got distracted by the TV.

"Make your Aunt less fat, Harry!" Uncle Vernon said, screaming at Harry.

"No!" Harry yelled. The front door just happened to be open, but before Harry jumped out, he threatened Uncle Vernon with his piece of wood!

Harry ran around and saw some eyes in the bush. "Eyes of human! Just what I need for my love potion! Wait is that a human?" But the Knight Bus suddenly came and distracted Harry, "Wow! Purple! So magical!"

"Welcome to the Knight Bus! Hope on!" some ugly guy with a cockney accent said.

"A lift with a stranger? SURE!" Harry said smiling.

"Hey! What the hell are shrunken heads doing in here?" Harry asked.

"Them people didn't have any money on them when we picked them up! They tried to cheat the system!" the stewardess—I mean, male bus attendant said.

Harry gulped and shoved 993849854958 Galleons into his hands.

"Hey this bus is super fast! And the heads are talking! Oh my gosh...we are going to hit into that bus...argh! My brain and head is feels like they're being squashed!" Harry says, screaming.

"Don't worry, it only destroys 60 of your brain cells the first time it happens...later on, you get too dumb to feel the pain", said the bus attendant.

"Just take me to Tom the innkeeper!" Harry said, collapsing to the floor.


	2. At Igor's and the dementor attack!

Chapter 2

"Welcome to my Inn, Mr. Potter" said the hunchback, when Harry arrived at the Inn.

"And you are?" Harry asked.

"Tom the Innkeeper!" Tom said.

"Wait, hold on a second, Igor, you mean now you're my personal slave?" Harry asked.

"Come and see Mr. Fudge!" said Tom.

"Ok!" said Harry, walking up to a mysterious room.

"Ahh, Harry, you can come back to Hogwarts! Be a good boy and stay here!" said Fudge.

"But-

"No questions, I'm going to be very annoying and secretive!" said Fudge.

Igor a.k.a. Tom continually kept offering Harry bread. "LEAVE ME ALONE PEASANT! I'M HARRY FRICKIN POTTER!"

Cornelius Fudge left and Harry was escorted to his room by Igor.

"I'll start reading my books!" Harry said smartly. Harry opened a book that looked like a spider and it began attacking him, and then he threw his shoe on it, and wrapped it up.

Harry went downstairs, exhausted and saw Ron and Hermione there (too much of a coincidence).

After the 'gang' had quite a reunion, they were off to the train station.

Mr. Weasley pulled Harry aside.

"Promise me you won't go looking for your crazy godfather who wants to kill you, yes, the guy who killed betrayed your parents...the guy you would like to hurt and kill and get revenge on so it will make you feel better...yes, don't go looking for him!" Mr. Weasley said.

"Uhh...why would I want to look for someone who wants to kill me?" Harry asked.

"Well you've done it 4 times in the past with Voldemort!" Mr. Weasley said angrily.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that haha!" Harry said, "The train is calling me...bye!"

Harry ran to the train meeting Ron, Hermione and Ron's animagi evil criminal—I mean, Ron's pet Rat.

"No compartments! Only one with a freaky man with clothes like a Hobo, in it, with scars on his face! Let's sit here with him!" Ron said.

"Who is he?" Harry asked.

"A werewolf" Hermione answered.

"What?!" Harry asked.

"I mean—R.J Lupin, and don't bother asking how I know, it's on his briefcase" Hermione said.

"You're so smart Hermione!" Ron and Harry say together.

"You two make me lose all faith in the human race!" Hermione says.

"Hey the windows are icy and it's suddenly night!" Ron said, "I think its time to use my squeaky, scared voice, "Haaary!"

"Hey, it's people in black cloaks! Halloween came early this year!" Harry said, clasping his hands excitedly.

"I'm going to kiss the life out of you!" said the Dementor (in his mind), and it grabbed Harry.

"Whoa! Harry! First kiss! How romantic!" said Hermione.

"Argh! I'm cold and I'm dying!" Harry screamed, and then blacked out. He awakened to see the Hobo (Lupin) in front of him.

"I took care of him! Now eat chocolate!" Lupin said.

"And how is this supposed to help me?" Harry asked, "I'm such a poor, poor boy, I'm too weak to fight the dementors!"

"You're not weak, just...not strong, and chocolate helps, everyone likes chocolate, right? Right?" Professor Lupin asks, Ron and Hermione, with wide eyes and a manic expression on his face.

Hermione and Ron slowly inched away.


	3. Serious and mysterious shit!

Chapter 3

At Hogwarts…

The Hogwarts choir (since when was there a Hogwarts choir?) started singing the Hogwarts school song (since when was there a Hogwarts school song?).

Dumbledore began one of his meaningful speeches, and since its Dumbledore talking, its always meaningful, as he was the only one Voldemort was scared of.

"Hey Ron, when did Dumbledore dye his hair gray and tie his beard up?" Harry asked, extremely confused.

"The white hair, flowing beard thing, went out ages ago, after the Lord of the Rings trilogy movie finally ended, with Gandalf gone, Dumbledore can start the trends (Lord of the Ring Fans turn angry with a reminder that the movies ended, Warner Bros. workers are extremely happy, more money for the Harry Potter movies now that this Lord of the Rings phase/fad has ended).

"Really?" Harry asked.

"Well you're Dumbledore's lap dog, why don't you ask him?" Ron said, quickly stuffing his mouth with food, as we all know, Ron doesn't get any food at home.

"…Welcome, welcome to another year at Hogwarts…Hagrid is now our new Care of Magic Animals (even though an educational degree is needed and Hagrid lacks one)…so have fun….muhahahahaha!" Dumbledore laughed evilly, "Oh and umm nobody who has had their parents betrayed by Sirius Black can go looking for him because they want to hurt, torture kill or do any forms of evil, because he'll kill you…and we can't lose more tuition fees!"

"Hey, so who is this Sirius Black guy?" Harry asked Ron.

"Who said the word Black? That is not politically correct, you now have to say 'of African descent'…honestly Harry!" said Hermione.

"Umm…okay" said Harry.

"And to answer your question Sirius Black is a criminal, he is not actually BLACK, but is quite SERIOUS…he is said to have the heart of a young boy…in a jar on his desk!" said Hermione "–oh yeah and he betrayed your parents, but don't get upset, because you'll have a whole scene later on with you crying and trying to be dramatic—in an attempt to show the audience how much the 'great' actor 'Harry Potter' has improved in acting—but this attempt fails miserably".

Harry was silent and confused. The attempt of being dramatic would fail miserably? But 'Harry' was 'good' at acting! This year at Hogwarts was getting stranger and stranger.


	4. Growing up and Peer Pressure

Chapter 4

After dinner, all the Gryffindors start heading to the portrait of the fat lady. The fat lady is dressed differently and looks different too, but yet again, nobody seems to notice this (wizards think they're smarter then muggles?) The fat lady begins to sing. "What is with this movie and singing? First the choir, now that fat cow?" Harry asked himself.

"She can't even sing!" Harry says to his friends, unnecessarily, pointing out the obvious.

"NOO...Really?" Spastic Seamus Finnigan said.

The boys then have a true, noble, meaningful 'male bonding session': eating magic candies which make them sound like animals. They are also wearing normal clothes, which is the first time they ever wore them, which none of them seem to notice as well, this year at Hogwarts really is mysterious!

"Roar! I'm a lion!" said Ron.

"E-E-OO-AH-AH-AH I'm a monkey!" said Seamus.

"What? Oh did you take some candy? I didn't notice, sounds like you're normal vocabulary", said Dean.

Everyone laughs, including Seamus.

"Take some Harry" said Ron.

"I don't know!" Harry said nervously.

"Come on! All the cool kids are doing it!" said Ron.

"Yeah, okay, how bad could it be?" Harry asked.

"Hmm...it says...cautions...may cause severe pain and —

"Just try it!" said Dean.

"OK...CHOO CHOO CHOO CHOO" Harry said laughing.

"Since when is a train an animal?" asked Dean.

"Since when is Harry a normal wizard?" said Ron laughing.

Harry and his friends passed out that night, eating too much 'candy'.

Harry and his posse really are 'growing up fast': Harry gets his first kiss and is now taking hallucinogens...what's in store next for Harry Potter? Readers, you'll just have to wait and see!


	5. Lessons to be learnt!

Chapter 5

It was Divination time...Harry and co. were around a table in Professor Trelawney's (one crazy spinster...with those looks no wonder she's single) mysterious classroom a.k.a. Hogwarts attic, Trelawney's residence.

"That clump from your teabag in your tea is actually a dog...so that means...you're going to die, even though dogs actually symbolize loyalty!" said Trelawney mysteriously.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed.

"Cool it with the Caps lock tantrum Harry!" said Ron, "she's obviously a fake!" said Ron.

"I am not a fake!" said Trelawney.

"Prove it!" said Ron, trying to sound cool.

"Ok...umm...the three primary colors are red, yellow and blue...Hufflepuff students have no talents, you and Hermione will most probably get together in the near distant future and...I am a fraud!" said Trelawney.

"Damn! I'm truly sorry to have ever doubted you! Please forgive me!" said Ron.

"Hey guys!" said Hermione.

"Hermione! Where did you come from?" asked Harry and Ron.

"I was here the whole time!" said Hermione.

"You have some explaining to do Hermione!" said Harry.

"Well, since I'm smart and know everything...whatever I say is true...and what I say is that I was here the whole time!" said Hermione.

"Ahh...that explains it!" said Harry and Ron.

Class ended and Harry and Ron decide to take a stroll around school.

"Hey look! Hagrid's hut is in a different location!" said Ron, "and the Whomping Willow moved too! What the hell?"

"Ron shut up, the director of this movie obviously 'knew what he was doing', sacrifices were made to make this movie so much 'better'!" said Hermione.

"Ahh that explains it!" said Harry and Ron.

At that moment, when the trio was admiring the beauty of nature, looking at the Whomping Willow, a bird flew smack into the tree and died. Harry and Ron looked at Hermione for an explanation.

"It gives the movie a bit of action, doesn't it" she said trying to sound positive.

"Wait a sec...are you getting paid more then me to promote how great the director and this sad excuse for a movie is?" Harry asked.

"Umm...hey! It's time for Care of Magical Creatures lesson!" said Hermione, "lets show the world how loyal we are to Hagrid by...by..actually showing up!" said Hermione.

Harry and Ron and Hermione walked to Hagrid's Hut, the Gryffindors and the Slytherins were already there, holding their books...on leashes! "Hagrid, how the hell are we supposed to make our books not try to kill us?" asked Harry.

"Isn't it obvious? You stroke it! Funny, huh?" Hagird asked.

"Almost getting killed is quite funny actually!" said spastic Seamus Finnegan. Everyone sighs and their resentment towards Hagrid changes to sympathy and/or annoyance towards Seamus.

Three boys came up to Harry and wearing creepy black hoods, tried to scare him, Harry shrieked...but not in fear...but in delight!

"Aaron Carter? You're at Hogwarts now? Oh my word! You're my all time favorite singer! Can I have your autograph?" Harry asked, begging on his knees.

"Dammit Potter, it's me, your evil arch nemesis Draco Malfoy!"

"You had me fooled—you look like a replica of Nick/Aaron Carter!" said Harry.

"Well I have been inspired by them and I now consider them my fashion idols—I mean—you're a loser Potter! Lets go Crabbe—or Goyle—and hey who the hell are you random Slytherin student? Oh well...that's one more new slave...but there the hell did Crabbe or Goyle go? Oh well!" said Malfoy, extremely confused.

"Now kids", started Hagrid, but just at that moment, Malfoy through a squeaky dog toy into the forbidden forest and Hagrid's animal instincts overcame him and he ran on all fours into the forest, he came back with the toy in his mouth, and dropped it on the ground, standing up, as if nothing had happened.

"Now...here's a hippogriff and I'm going to stupidly risk my career by letting one of you ride it! Harry, since you have gone through so much shit in your life, you now have the privilege of riding him!" Hagrid said, forcing Harry on the hippogriff's back. The Hippogriff began to gallop and Hermione, being the scared flirty type that she is, grabbed Ron's arm! Gasp! Physical Contact! Gasp! Raging teenage hormones!

Harry flew over Hogwarts with Buckbeak, skimming over the lake, "I'm the king of the world!" Harry said, screaming, like the attention seeking brat that he was.

Buckbeak flew down to the ground and landed. "Wow! Two accomplishments for me today! Firstly I tied my shoelaces and now I rode a 954598595 pound dangerous flying creature at a rate of 1933839838338983838 kilometers a second with no saddle or protection whatsoever!" said Harry.

"Score!" said Ron.

"I can do that too! Watch me!" Malfoy said, "Hey stupid bird! Kill me!" and with that the bird cut off Malfoy's limbs with a chainsaw! "Okay that was extremely random" said Malfoy.

Hagrid stood there, completely puzzled.

"Hagrid take him to the hospital! He'll die!" said Hermione, "...hey when did I ever care about Malfoy?" said Hermione.

"Right! Hagrid said, carrying Malfoy and running up to the castle, Malfoy laid homosexually in Hagrid's arms. "My father has friends in high places...mountain death eaters who live in the high mountains and he's also friends with chickens...oh damn I shouldn't have said that, now they'll know he's insane!" said Malfoy.


	6. Facing fears!

Chapter 6

"Hey Hermione do you remember on the first day of school this year that there was a ghost who was a knight?" asked Harry.

"Yes, Sir Cadogan!" said Hermione.

"What? Isn't he meant to be a portrait?!" asked Harry.

"It adds an artistic touch to the movie! Now shut up!" said Hermione, "the lesson is about to begin!"

213 hours later…

"Good morning class, because the dementors are obviously amateurs, this is evident by the dementors tying to make out with teenage boys who look nothing like Sirius Black, I've decided you have to defend yourselves and I shall teach you…now Neville…what are you scared of?" asked Professor Lupin.

"Umm…food, if anybody else has noticed I look extremely anorexic compared to the last movie!" said Neville.

"Anything else?"

"Uhh…Snape?" Neville tried again.

"Okay…think of your fears in a funny way and say Riddikulus!" said Lupin, opening a wardrobe.

(Weird, crazy circus music starts playing in the background)

Snape comes out in a drag queen get up. "I hope the drag queen thing isn't a reflection of Neville's personality or desires!" said Harry and co.

"Yay! I actually did something good!" said Neville.

"This class is ridiculous (riddikulus)…get it? Get it?" said Draco Malfoy suddenly on a stool, holding a microphone and sitting near a table with a glass of water. A drum sound is heard immediately after the joke, courtesy of magic…Ba dum dum chhhhhh!

"Draco Malfoy, a stand up comedian? Who'd have thought?" asked Harry.

Ron then turned a spider into…a spider with rollerskates?

"Parvati, next!" said Lupin.

Everyone gasped as she turned her worst fear into…an evil clown?

"Not helping Parvati! Turning your fear into something…worse? Why am I still teaching?" cried Lupin, "Oh right, Dumbledore was the only employer who'd accept me due to the fact that I'm a werewo—"

"My turn!" said Harry who was about to go on when Lupin jumped up in front of him and a moon appeared in front of them! "Okay class ended!" said Lupin.

Everyone was puzzled with the silver orb that appeared. "Maybe he's scared of aliens" said Harry, people nodded in agreement.

"Maybe he's scared of circular objects!" said Hermione, again everyone nodded in agreement.

"Maybe the orb is actually a moon, and he's a werewolf so he's scared of the moon!" said Seamus.

Everyone laughed and threw books at Seamus.


	7. A chat with Loony Lupin!

Chapter 7

Everyone is excitedly leaving Hogwarts for their first trip to Hogsmeade. Harry can't go because of the stupid Dursleys and tried kissing McGonagall's ass to come.

"You really are a mother figure to me, so can I go? Oh yeah and you teach good too!" Harry tried.

"Out of the way orphan! I want come beer! Hey! I had to make my line sound cool since this is like the only line I get to say!" said McGonagall.

"Beer? You mean butterbeer right?" Harry asked.

"Umm...yeah...butterbeer", said McGonagall moving away quickly.

"Hey Harry, come for a walk with me on the bridge?" asked Lupin.

"Hogwarts has a bridge now, damn what else weird is going to happen throughout this movie?" Harry asked.

"Well your scar will keep changing size and position on your head and—I mean I have no idea what you're talking about Harry" said Lupin.

At the bridge...

"Why did you not let me take on the boggart?" Harry asked.

"I thought you'd make Voldemort appear!" said Lupin.

"Oh...well...you're wrong" said Harry.

"Cool" said Lupin.

"Cool" said Harry.

"You look like your father and you have the eyes of your mother...I will now babble about your mother making it seem like I was and still am infatuated with her!" said Lupin.

"Proceed, but make it G-rated please", said Harry, "even though this will add more confusion to my confusing life—oh and by the way can you train me to fight against dementors?"

"Sure thing Harry", said Lupin, "but have some chocolate first!"


	8. More mysterious shit!

Chapter 8

A scream was heard…the portrait of the fat lady was slashed.

"It was obviously Sirius Black" said McGonagall.

"Okay this calls for the whole school to have a slumber party in the great hall in case it really was Sirius Black!" Dumbledore announced.

"Harry do you think it was just a coincidence that not only was the slashed portrait in front of the Gryffindor common room but it also happened to be the ugliest and most annoying portrait as well?" Ron asked.

The next defense against the dark arts class…

"Sit down and open your books…yes learning this subject does involve having to open a book and study!" said Snape, taking out a slideshow projector.

"They saw wizards are smarter then muggles, eh? Well we're a bit behind in technology!" said Harry, eyeing the projector.

"Where's Lupin?" asked the kids.

"None of your damn business! Now who knows the difference between a werewolf and an animagi? Yes, Miss Granger?" asked Snape.

"Werewolves can't control their transformation and animagi can!" said Hermione.

"Excellent! 283938472982857945857472672628298698603822864 points from Gryffindor!" said Snape.

"But—but—but—but—

"No buts! Everyone write me a 2983932858734873874586548372278427428484648642824642842842642 word essay on how to detect werewolves and then compare it to your teacher, Lupin—not that I'm trying to hint anything or anything! Now piss off!" said Snape.

A paper crane flew to Harry, Harry caught it and inside found a picture of himself being shocked by lightning on his broomstick! Harry looked at Malfoy, with a surprised look on his face, "Whoa! Talk about hidden talents! You can draw well and have learned the art of origami! Hats off to you Malfoy!" Harry said, "Wait! I have a quidditch game on soon? Thanks for reminding me! If you hadn't then I probably would have forgotten to practice and would most probably end up losing for Gryffindor! You're a real pal! So when's the next time you can tutor me in origami Malfoy? How about Thursday?"


	9. The one and only Quidditch game

Chapter 9

**Quidditch game...**

"Damn the rain is like totally heavy and I can't see through my...goggles? What the hell happened to my glasses?" Harry screamed.

(JAWS music plays...)

The dementors come and want to make out with Harry! But Harry is not that type of guy, being shocked Harry fainted and fell to the ground.

Dumbledore is super pissed! He wanted Gryffindor to win—I mean he wanted the dementors nowhere near the stadium for the students' safety.

**At the hospital...**

Harry woke up finding the Quidditch team surrounding him and his two loyal friends.

"What the hell happened?" Harry asked.

"You almost got killed but Dumbledore saved you with his magic mind powers!" Ron replied.

"No dumbass, you know I care about quidditch more then my own life! What happened in the game?"

"Umm...you lost to the talent-less Hufflepuffs...this is the first game won in like...like...ever!" Hermione said.

"Damn nothing could be worse then me almost dying and losing to losers!" Harry said.

"Spoke to soon, Harry!" said Hermione.

"What? Did Sirius Black come and kill a Hufflepuff?" Harry asked.

"No, Harry...its worse...you're broom got smashed by the whomping willow or something!" Ron said.

"I'm gunna kill whoever it was who came up with the idea that the whomping willow should be moved!" Harry screamed.

"Now Harry, I'm sure the director of this movie made a lot of sacrifices to make this movie very...umm...great!" Hermione said, beaming.


	10. A whole lot of action!

Chapter 10

**A walk in the forest with Lupin...**

"It really sucks that my broom is like totally screwed up", said Harry.

"Have some chocolate!" Lupin asked.

"What's in those chocolates? Like anti-depressants?" Harry asked.

"Who told you—I mean, Harry! Do you really think I'd drug students?" Lupin asked.

"I don't know...anyway why are we taking a walk in the forbidden forest?" Harry asked.

"It's not like students aren't allowed in the forest!" Lupin said laughing.

"Well the word 'forbidden' in forbidden forest kind of sends that message!" Harry said annoyed.

"What? Oh yes! I thought it was named that for the sake of coolness!" Lupin said.

Harry grabbed Lupin's chocolate and threw it as far into the forest as he could.

**Another Hogsmeade day...**

Harry tried sneakily to wear his invisibility cloak to sneak into Hogsmeade but forgets that when you walk on the snow you leave footprints (and this guy is the top of his defense against the dark art class and has defeated the most powerful dark wizard in the world once or twice?)

Suddenly Harry gets grabbed by two hippies!

"Leave me the hell alone, tree huggers!" Harry screamed.

"Harry, it's us, Fred and George!" said Fred and George.

"Oh hey...leave me alone!" Harry said, trying to punch them.

"We have a present for you; it's kind of like a payback for saving everyone from Voldemort! It's a map that tells you where all the secret passages are!" said the twins.

"Why do you really want to give me this?" Harry asked, "The Voldemort gratitude thing is too damn fake to believe!"

"Okay, well...we already know all the passages anyway and that map is actually stolen so...if it was found...better you then us, right?" they asked.

"Oh...okay", Harry said, pocketing the map in his hand, "now leave me the hell alone!"

Harry followed the passages on the map which led him to a trap door, in a cellar, on Hogsmeade. "Score!" Harry said.

**At Hogsmeade...**

"Ron, that's the shrieking shack! Shall we come any closer?" Hermione asked.

"No way you promiscuous slut! Back off!" Ron screamed.

"I mean near the shack!" Hermione screamed back.

"Oh right! Ha ha!" Ron laughed.

Malfoy suddenly comes with his usual follower and the random kid. Malfoy is all-black attire which adds a spooky and homosexual atmosphere to the movie.

"Mudblood and poor boy are in love....how extremely disgusting! You're poor and you're a mud blood! I shun you forever!" Malfoy joked.

Suddenly Malfoy gets snowballed by snowballs! "Hey! I'm H2O intolerant! Arghh! Let's go and get my daddy who will fight the snowballs for us!" Malfoy yelled as he ran away.

Whoa! What a cool 'action' scene! (Yes, that was a sarcastic comment!)

Harry reveals himself!

"Hey Harry that was damn cool, lets go to a pub and get wasted now!" Ron said.

**The Three Broomsticks, Hogsmeade...**

"That's Madame Rosemerta", said Hermione, pointing to some hooker, "Ron fancies him".

"Yeah, but I could never get her...I can't afford to waste 60 sickles...I don't even have a sickle!" said Ron.

"Hookers nowadays!" scoffed Harry, "charging too damn much!" Harry said, shaking his head disapprovingly.

Harry and co. are getting wasted when Harry suddenly heard his name! Madame Rosemerta, McGonagall and Cornelius Fudge are talking about him!

"Yeah and that Sirius Black guy betrayed Harry's parents and he's like an evil bastard!" said Fudge, "he was James Potter's best friend!"

"And Peter Pettigrew is such a hero and stuff, even though he was a sneaky suspicious loner wannabe", said Fudge.

Harry suddenly ran out, followed by Hermione and Ron.

Harry sat down on some big boulder and began laughing...no wait...crying...

"OH HARRY!" Hermione says.

"Oh my god, he was their friend! I'm going to kick that bastard's ass!" Harry yelled.

"Well he is a lot more powerful and dangerous than you...but...go Harry!" Ron cheered.

"Ron, are you encouraging Harry to fight Black, so he might die, making you my closest male friend, since my closest male friend at the moment is Harry?" asked Hermione.

"Whoa, this is such a try-hard dramatic scene!" said Ron, to himself.

"The emotion is so believable!" said Seamus, suddenly appearing out of nowhere, wiping a tear from his eye.


	11. The plot kind of thickens!

Chapter 11

"Now Harry it's time to practice Expecto Patronus, it will help you fight the dementors!" Lupin said, opening the box showing the boggart, "Now think happy thoughts!"

First anti-depressant chocolates...now being told to think happy thoughts? Harry thought.

"Lupin are you an undercover psychiatrist?" Harry asked.

"THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS HARRY!"

"Expecto Patronus!" Harry yelled, and then fell over.

"You suck Harry!" Lupin said.

"A second chance, if you please? I'll...I'll...even have some of your chocolates!" Harry begged, desperately.

"Fine! Hurry up! I'm having chocolate cravings myself!" Lupin said.

"Okay! Expecto Patronus!" Harry yelled, flashing light out of his wand.

"Excellent! Go Harry!" Lupin yelled, "Now let's just hope it will actually work on a _real _dementor and not this fake easy one with barely any dark powers!"

"I rule! I rule!" Harry said, completely ignoring Lupin's advice.

After the lesson...

"Hermione I hate your stupid cat! It ate the evil plot of this story—I mean it ate Scabbers! There was blood all over my bed sheets!" Ron said.

Muggle and wizard animal activists: DIE HERMIONE, DIE!

"Maybe because you're so poor...you tried to eat your rat!" Hermione said.

"Whoa! Good call Hermione!" said Harry.

Ron stopped and thought... "No way it was so your beast! What else could it be?"

"Maybe someone got their monthly visitor for the first time!" Harry exclaimed.

"Umm...Harry...that only happened to girls", Hermione whispered, "And don't ever talk to me, Ron!"

"I'm never talking to you again!"

"Same goes for me!"

"The plot of this story is going nowhere! Let's go to Hagrid's hut!" said Harry.

"Yeah but where is it again?" Ron asked, "Remember! It moved unnecessarily!" said Ron angrily to Hermione.

"Oh Ron! It's easy to find and it'll take like 5 minutes to get there!"

43 hours and 55 minutes later...

"Yay! We found it!" said Ron.

Hey, Hagrid, why are you crying?—Oh pumpkins! Halloween already?" Harry asked.

"Buckbeak is going to be killed! It's all Malfoy's dad's fault!" Hagrid screamed.

"DAMN YOUUUUU MALFOY!" Harry screamed, on his knees, raising his fists to the air.

"Don't worry Hagrid, we'll help you!" said Hermione.

"We will—I mean—yes—we will!" said Ron.

"That girl always wants to get involved in everything—extra credit I'm sure!!" Harry whispered, rolling his eyes.


	12. Trouble and confusion for Harry!

Chapter 12

Harry and his friends go to sleep. Ron starts dreaming about...spiders wearing roller-skates? How extremely scary! Nothing can be as scary as that.

"Arghh! I'm such a loser! They're going to roller skate me to death?" Ron said, sitting up.

Harry was annoyed; he remembered precisely telling Ron the reasons for why he shouldn't drug himself before he went to sleep.

"Go get the spiders Ron...man I really need to get myself a new posse", sighed Harry.

Harry looked over at his marauders map... "Peter Pettigrew! What the hell? A typo maybe?" Harry exclaimed.

Harry stupidly went out of his common room, and started following the Pettigrew footprints! Harry was getting closer...and closer...and closer, "Argh! You are soooo the last person I want to see right now!" Harry said, coming face to face with the evil Snape.

"A letter for me, Potter?" asked Snape, grabbing the map out of his hand.

"Uhh..."

"The marauder pals wish Snape to piss off and get a life!" said the Marauder's Map.

"This map is possessed and satanic! 123456789 points from Gryffindor, oh yeah—and the map's mine!"

"I beg to differ, Snape! The map is actually mine! Thanks for finding it Harry, you rock, and your reward? CHOCOLATE! Now come to my office!" said Lupin.

"No! Take me with you Snape!" yelled Harry.

"Later Severus!" said Lupin, dragging Harry away with a leash he had quickly put around Harry's neck.

"Until next time, Werewolf—I mean Lupin!" said Snape.

**In Lupin's office...**

"Where did you find this map?" asked Lupin.

"I have no idea!" Harry lied.

"I saw Peter Pettigrew on the map!" said Harry.

"Whatever!" said Lupin, "Or...are you telling the truth?"

"I am, and I am also telling the truth about me not knowing where I got the map from!"

"Whatever! Anyway...I know who this belongs to, now shut up and leave! And this map is now mine—oh and take some chocolate on your way out!" said Lupin.

"I'm not depressed Lupin!"

"Harry, the first step on the road to recovery is admitting you have a problem—I know you have been upset because you've been almost murdered on a few occasions and your parents have died!" said Lupin.

"I'm not depressed!" Harry screamed.

"And I'm not a werewolf!" Lupin said sarcastically.

"WHAT?!" Harry screamed.

"Umm—nothing—now leave!" Lupin said pushing Harry put of his office, and muttering a memory charm, while pointing his wand at the back of Harry's head.


	13. More confusion for Harry!

Chapter 13

**Divination class...**

"Hermione Granger you're the worst student I've ever taught!" said Trelawney.

"To hell with these satanic rituals, Satan!" said Hermione, walking out and knocking the crystal call to the floor, smashing it into a thousand pieces.

"Damn you, Granger! That ball cost me a year's salary!" shrieked Trelawney, calming herself down by getting high off sniffing incense.

Harry notices a fat African-English guy in his divination class.

"Who are you?" Harry asked suspiciously, thinking it could possibly Sirius BLACK.

"It's me, Dean Thomas!" Dean Thomas said.

"Dean—you gained weight!" Harry exclaimed.

"I took some time to discover myself during the summer holidays and I joined a spiritual youth group—Harry, it doesn't matter how we look like, it's what is on the inside that counts. Peer pressure is the root of teenage angst! Don't be a conformist Harry! Look at me I'm happy now!" Dean said grabbing a crucifix out of his pocket.

"Happy? But your fat!" said Harry, who practically thrived on teen angst.

"Harry, Harry, Harry! Look at Neville he's anorexic, sure he's skinny, but he's angry and sad. What would you rather be?" said Dean.

"Uh...would you kill me if I disagreed with you?" asked Harry.

"Harry, Harry, Harry!" said Dean, putting on a bishop's hat.

"You want to become a priest?" Harry asked.

"Of course, it's not like I change my mind on my future occupation every year!" said Dean.

"But Dean! Last year! The rapper idea—the doo rag—the incomplete words, the rapping—the coolness!"Harry started, "people actually liked that idea!"

"Harry I'm god loving and—" Dean started.

"Oh! Go preach to Neville!" said Harry.

"Excellent idea, Harry!" said Dean, running up to Neville, splashing holy water all over his body, "Die Satan Die!" yelled Dean.

To a normal group of people that scene would have been extremely shocking, but hey! This is Hogwarts! Even guys dressing up like women (long flowing robes) is considered normal.

After the lesson...

"Harry—Harry—

Harry looked behind him to see Trelawney in some type of seizure!

"Tonight the Dark Lord's servant will come and kick your ass Harry!" said Trelawney.

"Ohhh great—that screws up my plans for tonight! You sure it might not be tomorrow night instead?" Harry asked hopefully.

"No! Tonight god damn it!" said Trelawney.

"Okay, okay! I get it!" said Harry, extremely annoyed, "But hey! This means more attention and publicity!"


	14. The brawl and the beheading!

Chapter 14

**Somewhere near Hagird's Hut…**

"There was trial for Buckbeak's case and he's going to bite the dust tomorrow!" said Hagrid, standing nearby a river, in the ugliest business suit ever made.

"With that attire, no wonder they would have thought he was crazy!" said Ron.

"First Impressions are important" said Harry as Hagrid through rocks in the river to express his anger.

…**somewhere outside of Hogwarts, a few minutes later…**

"Muhahaha! That hippogriff that tried to kill me is going to be killed today!"

"Muhahaha!" Malfoy's followers laughed.

"You're dead, evil bastard!" Hermione said, slapping Malfoy!

"Don't Hermione, he's not worth it—plus I heard there's a law of beheading mud bloods—I mean muggles for hurting pure bloods!" Ron said.

"Yeah—exactly!" said Malfoy.

Hermione hit him again!

"Wahhhh! I'm going to get my daddy!" said Malfoy, running away…yet again, in his all-black attire.

"Whoa Hermione! I'm so damn impressed. Marry me?" asked Ron.

"Doesn't anyone notice that this whole movie we've been running around in muggle clothes? Bring back the cloaks and robes!" Harry yelled out, with all his might.

"Harry, you homosexual bastard! Shut up people might here you, plus you might get a cut in your paycheck! And anyways, the 'American Public School Style' is really in right now, more creative then those Lord of the Rings movies, who actually stuck to their style, director, setting, costumes, personalities etc" said Ron.

**At Hagrid's Hut…**

"By the way, Ron, I found Scabber's, he's shedding hair!" said Hagrid.

"Gross!" said Ron.

"I told you my cat didn't kill it!" said Hermione.

"Aren't you ever tired of being right?!" said Ron.

"Don't you dare talk to me!" said Hermione.

"Don't you dare talk to me!" said Hermione.

"Get a room, you two! Ouch! A rock hit my head! My head is bleeding!" Harry screamed, as blood began spurting out of his head!

"Harry, do you always have to be such a drama queen?" asked Ron.

"Hey, the executioner and co. are coming!" said Hermione.

"Go hide near the pumpkins!" said Hagrid, "I knew they'd be useful for something!"

A slicing sound was heard!

"Damn!" said Hermione, hugging Harry.

"I wish I was you right now, Harry!" said Ron enviously.


	15. Meeting with the main plotline aka BLACK

Chapter 15

"This is so horrible!" said Hermione.

"Yeah—ahh—Scabbers! Come back here!" said Ron. The three friends run quickly to capture the...rat?

"Is the rat really that important to you Ron?" Hermione asked.

"Hell yeah! It'll help make the plot more interesting! Oh my god! There's a big dog near the whomping willow!" said Ron, as he dived towards Scabbers and fell to the ground causing permanent injury on his leg.

The big bad dog began to pull Ron and Scabbers inside the Whomping Willow!

"Damn! He always gets himself into shit!" said Harry.

"All for a stupid vermin!" said Hermione, "Oh look there's a back door into this tree! Lets save the day!" said Hermione.

"Fine whatever, but if anyone asks…I did all the fighting and you were the sidekick!" said Harry.

**Inside the Whomping Willow…**

"Hey it's an underground tunnel and I hear Ron screaming!" said Harry. The tunnel leads up higher and higher until they reached what looked like the inside of some battered up mansion.

"Harry!" said Ron.

"He's in that room to my left!" said Hermione.

"Help Harry!" said Ron.

"We're coming Ron!" the duo exclaimed together.

"No don't come in! It's actually a trick!" said Ron.

"What the hell Ron? First you say you want help and now you don't want us to come in! Make up your mind!" Harry said, rolling his eyes, "Damn it! I'm coming in!"

Harry burst through the door and saw Sirius Black standing in front of him!

"Kill us before you kill him!" said Harry and Hermione.

"That can be arranged—I mean—only one person will die tonight!" said Sirius.

"Oh my god, Harry, he is sooo talking about you!" said Hermione.

"Thanks, you've just made me feel so much better" said Harry.

Harry and co. tackled Sirius, Harry was about to cast a spell on Sirius when—Lupin came in!

"Don't touch him!" said Lupin.

"Sanctuary! Sanctuary, Lupin!" said Sirius.

Sirius and Lupin hug!

"What the hell? Lupin you homosexual traitor!" said Harry 'the homophobic' Potter, about to perform a death spell on Lupin.

Snape suddenly came in!

"Lupin is a werewolf!" said Hermione.

"Whatever!" said Harry and Ron.

"Damn it! Did that essay I made you both write on how to identify a werewolf teach you nothing?" shrieked Snape.

"Like everybody says, Snape, you would never make a good Defense against the Dark Arts teacher!" said Harry.

"Good comeback, Harry" said everyone in the room except Snape.

"5 billion points from Gryffindor—anyway, back to business—I'm going to kill you Black!" said Snape.

"No! It was all Pettigrew's fault! He's alive, Harry saw him on the map!" said Lupin.

"NO!" said all the shocked people in the room!

"Yes!" said Lupin.

"You're a liar—I'm going to kill you— " started Snape.

"Abra Kedabra!" said Harry, knocking Snape out.

"Lupin can't be a werewolf! He just can't! Next you're going to tell me that Peter Pettigrew is Ron's rat, my dad is an animagi stag and Sirius was that big bad dog that pulled Ron into the whomping willow", Harry said sarcastically.

"Well Harry…now that you mention it…" said Sirius.

"What? I'm right? Damn I'm good! Maybe I should take Professor Trelawney's job when she bites the dust! Or maybe not…" said Harry after witnessing the blank expressions on everybody's face after hearing his suggestion.

"Harry, I don't want to kill you—I want to kill the rat—that is actually Peter Pettigrew, the real guy who betrayed your parents!" said Sirius.

"Are you serious?" asked Harry.

"Yes, 'Sirius' is my name! Ahahaha!" said Sirius.

"Ahh…it all makes sense now…lets kill that rodent!" said Harry.

Wizard and muggle Animal Activists: "NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Give me your rat, Ron!" said Sirius.

"No way!" said Ron.

"Yes Way!" said Sirius.

"No way!" said Ron.

Lupin and Sirius transform the rat into Peter!

"Don't let them hurt me, master! Remember how much of a good pet I was?" said Peter.

"Sick! I let you sleep in my bed with me! Get lost, homo-pedophile!" said Ron.

"Let's kill him!" said everyone.

"No!" said Harry, "we can't kill him…we have to torture him first, then kill him!"

"Hurray!" the gang cheers, as Harry and Sirius discuss what medieval weapons of torture would be suitable.

"You truly are just like your father!" said Sirius, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Too true, Sirius!" said Lupin.

"Okay, let's hit the road", said Sirius, "tie up that dirty rat! Get it? Because he is a 'dirty rat' and like he used to be a rat? Get it, get it?"


	16. A little more action!

Chapter 16

**On the way back to Hogwarts…**

"I know I fit the perfect profile for a criminal and killer, but if you ever want to live with me, instead of your cruel relatives, then it's fine with me", said Sirius.

"I know nothing about you! But sure! What the hell? I love you Sirius!" said Harry.

"Damn! The full moon is out! Lupin! Did you have any of your little white pills lately?" asked Hermione.

"Damn! No I didn't!" said Lupin, "NOOO!" Lupin said, turning into a werewolf.

"Oh my god, Lupin is a werewolf!" said Hermione.

"Duh Hermione we found that out just recently!" said Harry, thinking he finally outsmarted Hermione.

"No! I mean he turned into a werewolf just then!" said Hermione.

"What? Where—oh that bald thing? Okay…right! NOOO!" said Harry.

"I'll try and do something useful…like turn into a dog for instance which is a creature that has less then half the amount of brain cells that a human has!" said Sirius.

"Smart movie Sirius!" said Harry.

Sirius begins fighting with Lupin.

"Oh damn, Peter is turning into a rat! Get him!" said Harry, but the gang were too late, as Peter had disappeared into the night, leaving his clothes behind!

"Score!" said Ron, "New clothes for me!"

Sirius became wounded. "Oh no!" said Harry.

Suddenly, Hermione makes werewolf sounds…what the hell? And then the werewolf ran into the forest.

**Somewhere near Hogwarts where Sirius is, lying on the ground…**

Sirius has now turned back into a human and suddenly 1 million dementors surrounded Harry and Sirius!

"Expecto Patronum! Expecto Patronum!" Harry screamed.

Nothing happens. The dementors proceed to make out with Sirius.

"Expecto Patronus!" yelled out Harry, finally a deer—I mean a stag, came out and rids them of the dementors!

Dementors: "Argh! Deers are quite scary!"

"FATHER! IS THAT YOU?" Harry screamed out, apparently seeing his father.

What the hell? There's nothing there!

Harry falls over and faints…yet again.


	17. The most confusing part begins

Chapter 17

Harry woke up to find himself in the hospital. "Damn! I fainted again? I'm too damn girly!"

Dumbledore comes in…

"Dumbledore! Don't let Sirius die! He's actually a really cool dude! And Peter Pettigrew was actually Ron's pet rat, an animagi! And Peter Pettigrew is really the evil one! Oh and Lupin doesn't look like how most werewolves look like—it's so weird! And Sirius has a really bad hair stylist! And Lupin says my eyes are just like my mother's, but my mother had green eyes and I have blue eyes which nobody seems to notice!" said Harry.

"That didn't make sense at all, but nonetheless, I believe you, Harry" said Dumbledore.

"Yeah you always do!" said Harry.

"Okay this movie is going to get extremely confusing and complicating…Miss Granger I think three turns will do it…so go back in time and fix everything!" said Dumbledore.

"Cool, come on Harry, lets save the world, Ron can't come because he's disabled!" said Hermione.

"Hey! We disabled people have equal rights!" Ron shouted.

"Cool, lets save the world then!" said Harry.

"This is the time turner I've been secretly wearing behind your back this year! I'm so damn deceiving!" said Hermione, putting a chain which conveniently happened to fit perfectly around her and Harry's necks.

Harry and Hermione disappear….


	18. Action, confusion and teenage hormones!

Chapter 18

Back to the past…

"Argh! I'm so telling my dad on you for hitting me, Granger!" said Malfoy, running away.

"I rock!" said the past Hermione.

"Harry!" lets run to Hagrid's hut and see ourselves!" said the not-past Hermione.

"Cool!" said the not-past Harry.

The non-pasts Harry and Hermione ran to Hagrid's hut and his near the pumpkins, spying on their past selves. "Hey lets go and tell them to ditch that joint!" said Harry.

"No damn it! We'll like kill ourselves or something!" said Hermione.

"Right…" said Harry.

"Harry, I'm going to throw these pebbles at your past self's head!" said Hermione.

"No way, damn it! Throw it to _your _past self!"

"And risk causing myself brain damage? Harry, I have to actually work for what I get, you get handed everything on a silver platter!" said Hermione.

"Hmm…well I guess brain damage would bring me more sympathy…okay…hit me!" said Harry.

The past selves ran out of the house.

"Does my hair really look that great?" said Hermione.

"Well compared to the other two movies, it looks excellent…hey when did you start caring about how you look?" asked Harry.

"It's called puberty, Harry!" said Hermione.

"Puberty sucks! Everyone is so self absorbed! Nothing worse then vanity could happen during puberty!" said Harry.

"Actually Harry…" Hermione said, handing Harry a book called 'Growing: It sucks'

"I think I'm going to be sick!" Harry said, as he skimmed through the book and began turning green.

"Yeah, now let's get Buckbeak!" said Hermione, slowly tempting the bird into the forest with dead animals. Harry and Hermione quickly escape into the forest/

"Okay, where the hell is that bird?" Fudge asked, annoyed.

"No idea…bring out some alcohol Hagrid, that way we can get drunk in front of Fudge and show what an irresponsible headmaster I am, pretty smart eh!" said Dumbledore, mysteriously.

"You mean that giant is a drunk too?" asked Fudge, "Lets chop his head off instead!"

"Remember-no-more-ious!" said Dumbledore to Fudge, the executioner and whoever else had witnessed that event.

"I guess we wait until we Snape, Lupin and the rest of the gang", said Hermione.

"Wait? Maybe we can sneak back to Hagrid's for some rum?" Harry asked.

"HARRY! RUM? RUM? Bring back some BEER instead, it's more sophisticated!" said Hermione, unimpressed at Harry's lame choice of alcoholic beverage.

"Fine!" said Harry annoyed, "Beer it is!"

A while later…

A full moon comes out…. "NO, LUPIN!" yells Sirius.

Lupin turns into a werewolf! "WOOF! WOOF!" yells the non-past Hermione, making a lame werewolf sound.

The werewolf ran into the forest!

The non-pasts Hermione and Harry look at each other.

"You're supposed to be the smartest person in the year!" Harry yelled.

"Run like hell, Harry!" yelled Hermione.

"Duh! That's obvious!" Harry said annoyed.

Harry ran deep into forest into the part where the past Harry had seen his 'father'.

Harry saw himself helping Sirius fight the dementors. "I really did see my dad!" Harry said to himself.

Author note: No you didn't. Get some chocolate from Lupin, Harry! Pronto!

And then Harry saw…himself! "Whoa!" said Harry, "It's me…wait wasn't I expecting someone else? Damn! I love myself to damn much that I forget about everything else!"

Harry and Hermione quickly meet up again and decide to ride Buckbeak to Sirius, despite the fact Harry has only ridden Buckbeak once, they have no seatbelts, and if they were to fall they would fall from an extremely high height at bone breaking speed…but hey, this is Harry Potter, everything seems to work out for him…except for his parents dying when he was young, him being an orphan, his nerd get-up, his boring and overly smart friends, his godfather dying in the fifth movie and so on.

"Sirius is up their, locked in Filch's office..." said Harry.

Harry and Hermione and Buckbeak approach Filch's…cage? What the hell?

"I didn't know Filch's office was a cage!" said Harry.

"He's gotten a bit crazier lately", said Hermione.

"Sirius, we're hear to save you!" said Harry.

"You look so much like your father, Harry", said Lupin.

"I KNOW! IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT ME LOOKING LIKE HIM! I ALREADY KNOW THAT! WHAT DO YOU WANT? FOR ME TO BECOME JAMES OR SOMETHING?" Harry asked annoyed, "and anyway, that comment was just so irrelevant to us saving you so just shut up and ride this flying bird to some secret place, okay?" Harry said, out of breath.

"Thanks for the help Harry!" said Sirius, breaking out of the bars, "I'll try to steal something for you as a gift of gratitude", said Sirius, hopping on the hippogriff, "Anything you want in particular?"

"A FIREBOLT!" said Harry.

"Consider it done, Harry", said Sirius.

"Cool! You're the best grandfather—I mean godfather—whatever! Anyway, it sucks I can't live with you…but that's just the way it is!" said Harry, "now about the firebolt…"

"Damn! I have to go, Harry!" said Sirius, zooming off on his hippogriff.

"He didn't even say goodbye…." said Harry, on the verge of tear, "he didn't even hear the details about the specific firebolt I wanted".


	19. Back to the past!

Chapter 19

"Harry, we must go down now into the hospital, the clock is like about to strike like midnight or something!" said Hermione.

"Ok, let's go!" said Harry.

The duo ran into the hospital as fast as they could and slammed the door.

Dumbledore suddenly came in.

"We did what you told us to do, Dumbledore!" said Harry.

"What just happened?" Ron asked with a blank, constipated look on his face.

"Nothing, nothing!" said Dumbledore, hitting Ron's sore leg.

"Argh!" screamed Ron, and he began to cry.

"Child abuse!" screamed Hermione.

"Child abuse?" Dumbledore asked, with a scared look on his face, "I…heard that Gryffindor was awarded 1222232838833364494939282282828282821 points by some anonymous teacher, right this second!" said Dumbledore.

"Are you bribing us?" asked Hermione.

"Yeah! We won the house cup!" yelled Harry.

"Oh what the hell…" said Hermione.

"Hermione, I have to go and visit Lupin now!" said Harry, rushing out the door.


	20. The Departure

Chapter 20

"Lupin, did you hear that—Lupin why are you packing all your things up?" Harry asked.

"I have been sacked Harry, proceed to tell me how a great a teacher I am etc." said Lupin.

"Why?" Harry asked shocked.

"Well apparently parents found out I was a werewolf and the idea of a werewolf teaching their children is supposedly outrageous", said Lupin, shrugging.

"Parents, nowadays!" Harry said, shaking his head in disbelief, "But you can't leave, Lupin, you're like the best Defense against the Dark Arts teacher I've ever had!"

"Well it's not like I had any real competition, kid, with your past teachers, one was a fraud who was apparently 'hot' in the second movie but looked like an old man, and the other was just plain weird and always stuttered annoyingly", said Lupin.

"True that", said Harry, "Well I'll see you in the fifth book then!"

"Yes—I mean no, shut up Harry, you're giving away parts of the future! You moron!" Lupin screamed.

"Oh right! Well in that case…I'll see you not in the fifth book?" Harry tried, feeling quite pleased with his lame attempt at a cover up.

Lupin sighed, "And he was supposed to be the chosen one? I might as well drive my wand through my skull! Farewell Harry, oh and here's some….CHOCOLATE!" said Lupin.

"Oh…uh…thanks, I'll save this for later!" said Harry, blasting it into a million pieces with his wand.


	21. The Finale

Chapter 21

**Breakfast in the Great hall…**

Ron is completely stuffing his face. "Ron, why are you completely stuffing your face?" asked Harry.

"It'll be months before I actually get to eat any food, now that the holidays are near—you know my family is super poor—now don't talk to me anymore, I'm busy!" said Ron, stuffing his face with even more food.

Hermione shook her head in disapproval.

Suddenly a package landed in front of Harry, a package in the shape of a broom.

"Whoa! Whatever could it be?" asked Harry.

Harry opened the package to find…a Firebolt, attached was a hippogriff feather!

"It's from Sirius!" said Harry, looking at the feather.

"How do you know?" asked Ron.

Harry showed Ron and Hermione the feather, on the feather were the words… "From Sirius Black"

Harry ripped the package open…with his teeth.

"He really shouldn't be hanging around Hagrid too much!" said Hermione.

"A firebolt? How did he know?" Harry asked himself. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Hey, I think I recognize that feather! It belongs to Buck—" Hagrid started, but Dumbledore had distracted him with a…bottle of rum!

"Alright! More attention!" said Harry, looking at his broom.

Everyone crowded around Harry,

"I'm taking this cleaning tool—I mean broom out for a spin!" said Harry, running into the gloomy looking courtyard with his friends!

Harry rode up in the air with his broom, but because the strings used to make the broom 'fly' were lose, one was cut off with Harry's weight, and Harry's face slammed right into the camera lense!

The end!

End note: Harry was not killed in this story…though his face was extremely stuffed up…he is going to a doctor's appointment for skin grafting surgery tomorrow morning.


End file.
